Day 1 – March 14, 2020
Nantasket Beach, MA
Hey, I get to work from home!! This is awesome!! My work computer is so much nicer than my personal computer. So cool to have it at home. I have so much stuff to do and a great excuse to cancel it. I love being at home!! My 500 sq ft apartment is so nice and cozy! Love the beach view out my window. I never want to leave and now I don’t have to! This is awesome!
Day 2 – March 16, 2020
It’s really sad what’s going on in the world right now. So many people are being affected. What can I do? I want to help everyone!!
*Sets to work creating 12 projects to help everyone else deal with what’s going on*
Day 10 – March 23
Hmmmm… I seem to have run out of snackies. I guess I have to go outside now. Bummer.
Well, it may be a good thing. My legs seem to hurt from sitting too much all the time. This may turn into a problem. I need to figure out how to get some exercise. I’ll go for a walk on the beach after I run to the store.
*At the store*
It’s so nice how polite people are now. They like RUN away from me when they see me coming. I wish that could happen without a pandemic.
*During walk*
WOW there are a LOT of people out here! Don’t they know what social distancing means? Maybe they need a visual on what 6 feet apart looks like cause that ain’t it!!
Day 14 – March 27
I got a phone call from my mom today. We spent a couple of hours on the phone. She just found out she’s sick, though not with the coronavirus. She has had a silent massive heart attack at some point and her heart is only functioning at 32% of what it should be. Because of the virus she can’t go to the doctor like she should. They can’t run the tests they need to. She can’t get this virus because if she does…
Sh*t just got real folks.
It’s not an interesting vacation from life anymore. It’s a real, scary thing that has personally affected me.
How to deal? BURY MYSELF IN WORK. Yeah, that sounds good. Avoidance is a strong coping mechanism for me. My book still isn’t done. I need to work on it some more. Oh, look… I can built a new website today. Yeah, let’s do that. Are there still snackies?
Day 437 – March 31, 2020
I spent all weekend not feeling great, but I still have to finish my book. It’s a long ways from being as done as it should be. I called my editor, who’s also an INFJ bestie.
She said the first step in dealing with something like this is to not be able to talk about it without crying. That’s me. I’m still there.
I realized how therapeutic it is to talk to someone you really trust when you are going through something really hard. It’s essential for us INFJs. We think that we can process things on our own. We are wrong. It’s an overwhelming task for us. We need a little help. It’s ok to need help. It doesn’t make you weak or incompetent. It just makes you human.
Also, more snackies help.
Day 627 – April 2, 2020
Less than 4 days til my first ever book comes out!!! 😧OMG WHY AM I WRITING A BOOK!?!?!
Coffee… I NEED coffee. So thankful for all the amazing people at Starbucks for keeping us going through this.
Ok, I need to finish my book. This includes actual writing and not just staring at the computer screen watching the cursor blink. Ugh, why is this so hard???
I’m NEVER WRITING A BOOK AGAIN EVER!!!
So many new project ideas running through my head. So easy to get distracted… NO! Grab a piece of paper and write them down for later! FOCUS. Is it lunchtime yet?
OMG this is never going to get done.
Well… I do need to do the layout too.
Day 12,048 – April 3, 2020
I did the layout wrong. It’s so wrong. Like the whole thing. Every page is wrong. You’ve got to be ******* kidding me.
What else is going on that I can distract myself with…
Oh look!! How cool is that?!?
Ok, get back to the grind. You can do this. Make it happen.
Oh look… there’s a storm coming. It’s shaking the windows and walls and everything. Not a hurricane, but it sure looks like it.
See the gap above the window? Yeah, that’s in my living room, right next to my computer.
*Spends 12 hours worrying if the window is going to stay where it’s at or get more friendly and come a bit closer to me. Please just stay there. Please.*
My mom made me a mask to wear out in public. How is it that I feel more self-conscious being more covered up?
Not everyone in Boston is wearing them, so it feels weird. Also, it makes breathing really hard. I have asthma and anxiety, so it’s already hard. This is just another layer.
But I’m doing it. I’m wearing it. If it plays some part in keeping my mom and dad and my niece safe, I’m doing it. Let people stare.
Day 25,692 – April 5, 2020
Ok, this is going to work. I’m going to make my deadline. The book is DONE!!! One final check… Oh wait… why do the margins look so weird. OMG. 🤦🏼♀️
Reformat again. Every single page.
All of a sudden that 500 sq ft apartment feels like a prison. The walls are closing in. It’s so small!!
Day 48,624 – April 6, 2020
*CRASH*
Day 48,625 – April 7, 2020
I don’t want to do anything today. Nope. Well, maybe some snackies and a nappy nap. Ok. Sounds good.
Day 48,630 – April 12, 2020
It almost feels like the storm has passed, for me anyway, and for now. I’m back to feeling like a normal human who can function like I should be able to.
The worst part of this whole thing is the impostor syndrome. I feel like I should know better and do better now. I am leading a group of 50k people (how are there that many really!!) and I should do better.
I should know how to handle things like a pandemic. I should be ok with writing a book and not freaking out. Right? Should I be able to handle the news that my mom may have a lot shorted time on earth than what I had thought? I feel like it.
But then I have to take a step back. Should I really be able to handle a pandemic?!? No one else seems to be able to, so why do I feel like I have to hold everything together for everyone else? It feels really selfish to step away from what everyone else is feeling and not take responsibility for it. But is it?
If you’re taking care of people so much that it hurts you, then you aren’t being selfish for stepping back, no matter who you are or what your work is. There is always a way that you can help without sacrificing yourself. Always.
Also, if you’re struggling like I have been, please take some time for yourself. Schedule it and do it. If you don’t your body will end up doing it for you. You don’t have to be productive every day. You don’t have to do all the things you want to. You can just sit and breathe and be. That’s enough for right now.
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