What is the INFJ Door-Slam?

INFJs are known for being friendly, personable and understanding of those around them. Always the people pleaser, they adapt their personalities to suit the people around them. They will go way out of their way to make sure everyone around them is well taken care of.

But there is a line. There is a point where enough is enough. There is a point where they get betrayed or taken advantage of too much and they respond in a cold and deliberate way, often called the door-slam.

What is the INFJ door-slam?

The door-slam is an INFJ cutting someone out of their life completely, often without any discussion or warning. This includes blocking phone numbers, unfollowing and blocking on all social media and email, and even moving to a different place, depending on the situation.

Who gets a door-slam?

This can be applied to anyone in the INFJs life: friends, family, significant other. They don’t discriminate.

When and why is the door-slam used?

The door-slam is a way for INFJs to cut toxic people out of their lives.

INFJs will give everything to their people. But when they are hurt over and over and over again, there comes a point when they decide that they cannot take any more hurt from this person and it has to stop. This hurt can be caused by many things, including betrayal, narcissists or any kind of toxic presence.

Is it extreme?

It may seem like it’s extreme to outsiders, but INFJs are very sensitive individuals. They put their all into relationships and deeply effected by the way that they are treated, especially by those that they value the most. There is only so much hurt that INFJs can take before they collapse underneath it all.

A door-slam is a solution of self preservation. It’s not a first line of defense, though, from the outside, it may seem this way. It’s actually a last line of defense. INFJs don’t want to use a door-slam, especially on people that they love. They don’t want conflict and disharmony in their lives at all. It’s just that sometimes, they don’t have a choice. It’s the only option left.

It’s not something that they take lightly either. There is a lot of thought and consideration that goes into such measures. A healthy INFJ will realize that there is nothing else that they can do but to cut the toxic person out of their life for good.

An example of a door-slam

I’ve used the door slam a few times in my life. I’ve used it on every boyfriend that I have ever had. I can’t do the whole “Let’s be friends” thing. It doesn’t work for me. But the biggest door-slam for me was my older sister.

My older sister has a substance abuse problem. She has had the problem for more than 10 years. It’s really sad because we are only 2 years apart and were like twins growing up. We did everything together. She was my person. 

When she started down the road of making bad choices I didn’t really know how bad it was and, of course, had no way of knowing how bad it would get. I spent years trying to help her, trying to make her see that she has a problem and needs help. I put up with her lashing out at me numerous times, with her blaming me for her problems and demanding that I do something to help her. 

But after years of me trying and failing, I realized there was something important missing. She can’t admit that she has a problem. It doesn’t matter what I do for her, she won’t get better until she can admit to herself and others that she has a problem. 

A few years ago I decided that enough was enough. I no longer wanted to deal with her emotional abuse and her toxic behavior. I no longer felt responsible for her problems. 

So, I blocked her phone number on my phone and deleted her from my social media, with no warning or explanation. And I haven’t looked back since.

The impact of that for me has been mostly positive. There are still times when I miss her. Like I said, she was my person. But more than that I have gained so much. She has this larger than life personality and i was always in her shadow. Now I feel like I have stepped out of her shadow, of her opinions, of her negative comments. I’ve learned how to be myself. I’ve learned a lot more about me and what I want. I’ve also learned how to stand up to people, rather than just accept what they say. 

14 thoughts

  1. Hi! I’ve had to do this to several people. Before I even knew there was a name to it. But the most hardest one was having to do this to my mother. She is the last person I would’ve considered. But you know, sometimes you don’t know that a certain way someone treats you, is abuse. And often, live blinds you to it or you simply put up with it because it’s ‘family’. But whether you know its abuse or not, it doesnt feel good. And one day….I just had enough. I was on a journey of growth and she was a hindrance. I wanted to get to know myself better and develop my sense of self. Having her in my life, I was being erased, like i wasnt a person of my own with my own interests, desires, or preferences. I didnt matter and I only existed for her to live through me. Sometimes you have no choice but to do this especially if the person doesnt have the intention to change or improve the way treat you. I miss her dearly. I could never have imagined life without her. But it wouldn’t be true love for her if I continued to put up with it. You dont truly love others until you can love yourself and know what you deserve and dont. I deserve to fully come into the being I was created to be.

    1. Jennifer, your explaination of you being erased makes perfect sense. That’s exactly how I have felt around a few people. I’m so glad that you are doing better now! Thanks for sharing!!

  2. Hi Sarah!
    ( pardon my english, it’s not my native language)

    I, too, have door-slammed a few people in my life. It eas never easy but it followed oceans of tears, heartache and hurt.

    In my life i usually got emotionally abusive friends – in elementary, high school, college and now at work.
    I am not an easy-going person, it takes me effort, willingness and a bunch of time to loosen up and let somebody in… to be friends.
    Everytime I slammed the door it was caused by oceans of tears, hurt and betrayal. And when I felt i was suffocating because of that other person i made the move and never looked back. Breathing was always easier after…

    Now, at the age of 25 i have encountered someone who i have aready door-slammed twice but she just kicked the door right back at me.
    She is the younger sister of my fiancé and she is adobted. Lost her mother at a very young age, her father disowned her and her whole life is a tragedy. I gave her a chance because she is important to my man, I should just listened to the warnings…

    She is the most emotionally abusive and toxic person i have ever met. And door-slam doesnt work on her, she keeps coming back. If you have any edperience with a person like that i would be extreme grateful! ing

    1. Anna, thank you so much for sharing! It’s certainly difficult to be in a situation like that, when she’s important to your fiance. The best thing I can tell you is to limit your contact with her as much as possible. In my experience people seem to understand when you ignore them hard enough. The most important thing for you is to portect your own mental and emotional health. You won’t be able to give anything to anyone without that. I hope it turns out ok for you!

  3. I’ve doorslammed my best friends (2). First one was a girl. She had a rough life with her family so I even offert her a place at my house of she needed anything. But she betraid me. I doorslammed her afterwards. After a few weeks, we’re studying at the same college, she started spreading all kinds of weird gossips to break me…and she still does.

    Second person was my other friend which was a guy. He was depressed all the time and after absorbing so much without him doing anything about it or even thanking me for everything I did for him, I doorslammed him. I was so hurt and tired that I couldn’t take it anymore.

    Both hurt me very much and I really miss the memories cuz I don’t really have best friends anymore. Good thing I’m quite independent :p

  4. I door slammed someone very close to me without knowing it was called a door slam!

    When I was 5, my parents got a divorce. My dad wanted nothing to do with me until he needed control in his life with his new girlfriend. It was never about spending time with me, it was about the fact that he had the power to make me come to his house. Eventually I was just the babysitter for my two new half sisters (sounds similar Cinderella if you ask me).

    A second divorce and a third marriage later, after 12 years with two half sisters and a step sister, and a toxic home every other weekend (not to mention the anxiety disorder I have now and ominous depression hanging over me), eventually an incident happened.

    My therapist had just lost her job, and my dad had finally given in to letting me visit during the day (because they had moved to a place so small there was nowhere for me to sleep) and a bunch of stuff happened. I finally said I was leaving and my mom was going to pick me up. I called her and she ended up calling the police. It was a huge mess, but eventually I got home safe. A few days later I wrote a letter. I called him and told him no more. Of course, I still have his phone number. But I’ve blocked him and his side on everything else. And I can choose when I want to respond to him.

    3 years later, I’ve never been better! I actually started reaching my goals. I love myself. I take care of myself! I work out! I don’t waste my time stressing over people who don’t deserve my stress. 🙂

    To whomever is reading this – don’t ever be afraid to put an end to the relationship causing you pain. There is a safe way out of your unsafe situation. Even if it seems impossible. The exit sign will appear soon. I thought I’d have to wait until I was 18! I was so wrong – and I’m glad I was 🙂

      1. I am also going through the same thing. Mine is a live-in boyfriend of 7 years. I think I am going through the door slam as it hurts me to realise that he is not who I thought or imagined.

        As an empath and introvert, I usually have strong intuitive feelings and thoughts about situations and people. And sometimes I listen…well, other times maybe not.?
        I found out that my boyfriend was sharing intimate photos of me to strangers online. Image going on Instagram and finding a picture you shared privately with someone and realising a thousand others are looking at it and sharing it with others!

        He obviously denied it at first but I kept pushing and he eventually said he was just bragging about me…”to strangers?..pedophiles?…
        I feel betrayed by the very person who is supposed to protect me.

        I don’t have anything left in me to find the “why”, I am shedding the old me and it hurts like hell.

        I gave him everything…and all that was to him was an ego boost.

      2. I’m so sorry that happened! I can’t imagine finding pictures of me like that. I hope that you are able to get away from him and start healing. ❤️

  5. This is a great web page. I agree fully with all of the relative information you’ve provided. Keep up the good work!

  6. I’ve done it several times with absolutely no regrets. Unfortunately, we sometimes door slam with our hearts before we do it in reality but the reality slam is inevitable once the heart closes.

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