Worth and Value

What is it about me that is worthy? What’s valuable?

I’ve been struggling with this question for a while. I’ve had a few weeks of bad things going on and feeling just icky. One of the things that is supposed to help is to make a list of things that you like about yourself. I have tried to do this a few times in the past and I came up with nothing.

This week, a friend of mine suggested that I make a list of the people that I admire and why I admire them. So I did. Here it is:

My Grandpa (who passed away over 2 years ago)

He was the most patient man ever

He worked very hard

He was very generous

He cared a lot about me

My Great Grandma Lewis (who passed away about 13 years ago)

She worked really, really hard

Life handed her a lot of crap and somehow she made it through. She lived through 2 World Wars, the Depression, 2 crappy, abusive, mean husbands, was left to raise 2 children by herself in the 1940s which I’m sure was unbelievably hard, and then she got breast cancer and had to live with my Grandma

She was determined

She was always taking care of other people

She was REALLY funny! She always told us that the only man worth marrying had a pocket full of money and one foot in the grave. Lol

She was very talented at being crafty. She could crochet and tat and knit and sew, all beautifully

She was also a very good cook, not healthy, but GOOD

My Dad

He works very hard

He has made a lot of sacrifices for his marriage and his family

He thinks he knows everything, which makes him fun to tease

He always knows what to do

He is supportive and encouraging

He doesn’t put up with a lot of crap

My Mom

She was very determined to finish her education

She has made/makes a lot of sacrifices for her family

She remembers all of the holidays including St Patricks day and Presidents day and sends me a box full of candy and Bath & Body Works and fuzzy socks for every one

She knows how to deal with everything that I think is going to kill me, like paper cuts and colds and headaches

She’s there every time that I need her

Pam

She talks to everyone and she always has something to say

She’s not afraid of anything, including getting up and shaking it in front of a whole gym full of people!

Courtney

She’s an awesome listener

She gives amazing advice

She’s not judgy

She’s very sweet

She cares about all kinds of people and does everything that she can for them

She has a way of making everyone feel awesome

She’s very encouraging

She’s fancy and trendy

She has a beautiful family and she takes such good care of them

She shows up when you need her, every time

She makes it ok that life is hard

She also makes it ok to not do all of the things that you are supposed to do

Glennon

She’s honest

She inspires people

She reaches out to people who ask for help

She talks about her issues, which helps people

She makes it ok that life is hard

She also makes it ok to not do all of the things that you are supposed to do

Jamey (my running/cycling/swimming coach)

He has a wife and 5 kids. I assume he loves his wife a lot! 🙂

He loves his kids and spends a lot of time with them. He’s always bragging about them

He has a lot of patience. He has to with 5 kids!

He works very hard

He’s mentally strong. You have to be to run marathons and Ironman triathlons. All of the training that goes into that is insane. And, in my experience, it’s 90% mental, seriously.

He’s very determined

He’s awesome at encouraging and including people

He cares about people

Jeff Gordon (My favorite race car driver in the world, who I am still mad at for retiring)

He’s really passionate about racecars

He’s good at what he does

He works hard and is determined

He’s polite to the media, even when they ask stupid questions

He takes care of his sponsors

He takes care of his fans

He’s not afraid to tell someone if he thinks he’s been wronged… or show them

Him

(who shall remain unnamed. He decided that he wanted someone else without asking me. I’m still mad at him for that)

((This is also what I’m looking for… so, ya know, if you see someone like this wondering around…))

He’s fancy. He always wears nice clothes, even at the racetrack. He looks good even when it’s a million degrees with a million degrees humidity like in Daytona in July or Atlanta in September. He even sweats fancy.

He makes sure that all of his people look good too. To me, that means that he puts value in them and wants people to know that.

He smells good.

He’s passionate about his job. He loves racing and has given up a lot to follow his dreams and make it work.

He loves racecars and the smell of burnt rubber and gasoline.

He’s good at his job and successful.

He’s very determined and works very hard for what he wants.

He has a plan. He knows what he wants and how to get it.

He has a lot of confidence. You can see it in the way that he walks.

He’s very honest. He says what he thinks. (This is probably a blessing and a curse, but for me, I find it really hard to say things sometimes. And then I worry about everything forever.) I don’t think he worries about what he says.

He’s very smart.

He’s not afraid to confront someone when he is upset with them. (I always am)

He likes to run and cycle and he swims too, but doesn’t like it very much.

He’s very adventurous. He likes to do things like ride motorcycles and go drifting.

He’s a complete smartass, which makes him so much fun to tease.

He thinks that he knows everything, which also makes him fun to tease.

He likes to laugh and joke.

He’s not easily offended. (I always am)

He uses fancy words like uber and trepidation and and acerbic and ergonomics.

He’s very polite and does things like opens doors for you and pulls out chairs and even opens car doors.

He takes care of his girlfriend well.

He smiles a lot. When he smiles his whole face lights up, it takes my breath away.

For the most part, it seems like I admire people who:

Have dreams and follow them

Are determined

Work hard to get what they want

Can make it through anything

The thing is… when I think about how I want to be, these aren’t the first things that some to mind.

I think about:

Being fancy: dressing nice, fixing my hair nicely, smelling nice

Having a nice car

Having a nice computer and phone

Living in a nice place

Having a nice job

So am I just shallow? Or do I already have all of the other things?

I have big dreams and I have followed a few of them. I work really hard. I’m determined as hell when I know what I want.

I can make it through anything. Well, I thought that I could. I have made it through a lot in my life, especially the last 5 years. But then I ended up crying on the floor for a week and now I’m not so sure. The constant burning in my eyes from crying so much makes me think I was wrong.

That brings me back to my question: what makes you valuable? Can you still be valuable if you can’t make it through anything?

I’ve never thought that I just showed up being valuable. When my counselor told me that I did a few weeks ago, it didn’t make any sense. She said that I was valuable the day I was born and have been getting more valuable every day since then. That’s 10,640 days of building value (yep, I did the math). That’s a lot of value.

For me, I think value is like faith. You can’t see it and it may not make any sense, or feel right all of the time, but you still have to go with it. You still have to believe it every day. And the more you believe it, the more that you have? I hope this is true. It’s s tough battle every day. Some days are better than others, but I’m also learning that it’s ok to have bad days. It’s ok to cry on the floor for a whole day and feel icky and worthless and valueless. It’s ok.

Life it hard. But we can do hard things.

So when you get into that situation, the only thing to do is to feel all of the feelings and then take yourself to bed. Try again tomorrow. I haven’t cried today… yet. It wasn’t as bad yesterday as it was the day before. There is progress being made.

Even though I have a list in front of me of the things that are valuable about me, I still don’t know if I feel that way. I guess I just have to believe?

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