I Want

I’ve been thinking lately about honesty. It’s such a simple and amazing thing, but it’s so, so hard.

For most of my life I have been taught to hide who I am. “Don’t say that at church.” “Don’t tell your Dad.” “Don’t go out in public like that!”

The really funning thing is that the people that I love and admire the most are those who aren’t afraid to be honest! I envy their freedom and aspire to be like them.

So here it is… all the things I’ve been hiding from you:

I am NOT a morning person. I will turn off the alarm 5 times before I get out of bed. As much as I try to be a morning person, it just ain’t happening.

I LOVE Diet Dr Pepper. Yes, I know it’s not good for me. No, I really don’t care.

I also LOVE chocolate. Dark chocolate anything, but especially with oranges and almonds.

I am way better at baking than cooking. If it doesn’t have chocolate and butter in it, it probably won’t turn out well. I could live off of cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies… which is why I run.

I would rather stay at home and watch a movie than go out with a bunch of friends.

I have over 50, yes 50, scrapbooks that I have made over the years. I LOVE them. I love pictures and words and memories. I love documenting life and remembering years past, the good and the bad.

I have a huge crush on a guy I don’t really know, who is, by all accounts, completely wrong for me. He’s a total bad boy, but that doesn’t bother me. It’s one of the things I like about him. He isn’t afraid of anything.

I have my dream job, but it isn’t so dreamy most of the time.

I like to talk… ok, brag… about running, but the truth is… I can’t run very far without taking a walk break. Don’t tell my coach…

I’m continually terrified of what people think of me, regardless of who they are. I worry about the lady in the store who gives me a funny look when she sees that all I am buying is chocolate ice cream and Dt Dr Pepper. I don’t even know her. I don’t know why I care what she thinks. I just do.

I’m worried I’ll be a disappointment to my family, friends, coworkers, teammates, etc. I have always been a high achiever – top of my class in school, awesome evaluations at work, always the best. This fear of disappointing someone dictates that.

But most of all – I’m terrified that there is a life out there, the one that I dream about all of the time, that I will miss out on because I am too scared to live it.

 

This is the part where I have something inspirational to say to make all of it seem ok. But the truth is that it’s a struggle every single day.

I was astonished when a very sweet friend of mine told me that she liked to sleep. She loved naps and takes them all of the time. I was blown away by her honesty. I would never say such a thing for fear that I would sound lazy or that she would think me lazy. But I didn’t think she was lazy when she said it. I thought she was awesome! I love naps too! And in my single state I take them all of the time too! A lot of times I have nothing else to do, and I like it that way!

So… here you will find honesty from me… about my life, my job, my experiences. Hopefully there will be adventure and lessons learned and encouragement as well. Hopefully I can inspire you to live the life that you dream about too. That’s my goal. This is my life. Welcome to it!

 

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